It’s been exactly a month and a day since I last wrote something. And I don’t mean scribbled something or wrote down directions (actually, who does that anymore anyways?). I mean wrote something that had the potential to be read by another human soul. Something along the lines of a general reflection, maybe something with an ongoing theme. It was my last final of the Spring semester. I spent the night in the library as not to waste time commuting to and from home. No shower, no problem. I got a 90% on it and wanted to kill someone. I wanted at least a 97%. Finish strong. No? Fine, I’m over it.
Now I’m sitting here a month and a day away from that moment of completion, and I’m in a pretty different mindset. At that moment, the summer held so much promise for sunshine and cool breezes. I mean, it still does. But I’ve been feeling down for the past week or so. I’m not completely sure why. I’ve been sitting in the dark of my room this whole day watching movies, taking a few phone calls between the crevasses of my many blankets every couple hours– basically scratching my head as to why whenever I feel like I have the answer to things, life gives me a wet willy and laughs.
If there has been one thing I’ve learned in the past year and some change, it probably has been the value of solitude. Nothing new, most people with whom I have had a real conversation know this about me. Yet, I think part of the reason why I’ve been so down is because the heart still wants what it knows. And although I’ve met some unbelievable (sometimes random) people just since the year has begun, and probably have had the most freeing kind of fun, I still miss old times when familiar and smiling faces were everywhere to be found. Maybe it’s because I feel like real life is catching up to me and nothing will ever be the same from here on out. Ever. That this is my last real “summer” before I have to start thinking about what comes after. I feel pressure to live it up right now, but am feeling my dependency on others to keep the party going. I feel the longing for past lazy summers with nothing but more years of youth ahead.
I wanted this post to be well rounded and a good write, but now I think I’m just projectile typing. Who knows wtf the summer or year has in store for me. One thing I can at least say for sure: my moments like these are always waiting to spill over. And I will never have all of the answers so I need to stop being so damn controlling. Anyway, I forgot to eat today so I’m gonna go do that right now and pop in another DVD. Good talk. Let’s do it again soon.