Friday, June 15

“I feel like I’ve constantly been in departure terminals, and I’m just waiting for the day I feel like I’m going home.”

Tonight I had to say goodbye to one of my closest friends. We spent the whole day doing everything that matters in life: eating good junk food, playing on the grass, laughing about boys, looking through old memorabilia, but most importantly, reflecting on our experiences– both good and bad. Throughout the day there were random tears of sadness (on my end) and random tears from laughter (on her end). But as I drove home, I found myself erratically sobbing and wiping tears and snot away attempting not to crash my car. I wasn’t crying because my friend is moving away; I will see her in less than 6 months. I was crying because I am so eager to begin having the experiences that I’ve been waiting my whole life to have. I’ve been waiting to meet people. To see places. To be uncomfortable and scared. To experience something new. Today we talked about how these experiences shape us into ourselves, and although I’ve had little glimpses of it through my few travels and through my experiences in college, I’m so eager and impatient for more. Today was bittersweet in that I can understand that the reason why it is so sad to move away and start anew is because as much as we are excited to jump into the new experiences, we are after all, so lucky to have as much love and happiness as we do in our lives here and now. Still I want more.

As she talked, I kept imagining my little 3 year old cousin in the Philippines. How he is the funniest person I’ve ever met and we don’t even speak the same language. I thought about how it made me feel then and how it makes me feel now. And I cry because. I don’t even know why I cry. I cry because it moves me that I had that experience to know him and laugh with him and miss him all the same. And I want nothing more than to be moved by life itself and to meet those people and see those places that will make me both cry in laughter and sadness.

It’s a scary thing, growing up. My whole life I’ve felt like I’ve been trying to get away from home, but at the same time find people or a place that feels like home. Right now, I feel as if I’m floating in the dark and I keep picturing these cold winter stars. And I have this image that she gave me of an airplane flying to the stars. I’m sitting on it, alone. But I’m happy. And I’m just wondering who I’d be thinking of as I’d float away.


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