I’ve never felt so much pride and fear in one moment as I do now. I feel like the world around me is falling apart, yet I sit here, still expected to do everything I’m supposed to be doing. I’m still expected to go to school and work with a smile on my face: ready to learn and be tested on my work ethic and intellectuality; ready to help prepare those teenagers for the shitfest that’s waiting for them. I woke up early to do some reading for a short paper that’s due later today, but as the TV plays in this lounge at my university, I see images of people being dragged by police. These are people my own age, who grew up on the same cartoons and Sunny D I grew up on. And I wonder if what I’m doing is worth what they are doing, and vice versa. Does it make a difference that I’m still sitting here attempting to get a college degree, or that they’re out there sleeping in the streets because theirs is of no use? Whose actions are worth more at the end of all this? Why do I even care what these things are worth? Confusion persists. The last few weeks have been an unfolding revelation. I’ve never felt more in tune with myself, yet the environments surrounding me have never felt more out of tune. Does this say something about my personality? Or my life as a whole? I feel like I’m not making sense anymore. I feel like truth is slapping me in the face, slapping you in the face, but no one else can feel the pain because you’ve been immune to it for so long. Do you feel it? I feel it, and it hurts. Please someone tell me that you fuckin feel it too! Anyone? I’ve never felt more of an urge to get on my knees and cry and pray that the uninverse or God or whatever is out there leads me in the right direction. For a long time I didn’t want to work in a field relating to humanitarianism, but it’s been made clear in the last year that there is a reason I am the way I am. There’s a reason I was put in the situations I’ve been put in and have had the experiences that I’ve had. I want to help people. I was meant to help people. And so I think I’m going to have to do that.
I’m not quite sure of anything anymore. All I know is that I’m actually really happy. I’m just as happy as I am confused. But how do I turn my personal happiness into positivity for a crumbling world? I feel like I have to go find the answer to that question because, although the universe does tend to answer me more often than not, this answer might be a little more complex than I’m used to. But that search will have to wait a couple of weeks… back to my research. Let’s talk soon.