Tuesday, December 2

Eleanor Roosevelt once wrote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Why am I so uninspired? I told myself I was going to sit down and type out everything I’ve been feeling for the past 6 months, and maybe my life will change. Tell me why it took me 15 minutes to come up with “Why am I so uninspired?” I am bruised. And I’m not quite sure why it has gotten to this point.

I’m an emotional creature. There is no argument there. When I am happy, I am HAPPY. Content. Beautiful. Confident. When I am sad, well, I am as good as dead. How come if you would’ve asked me how I was doing 2 weeks ago, I would’ve told you I was so in love with life, and I felt loved too. What is the difference between two weeks and today? Not much. But believe me when I say I am one meal away from a total and complete breakdown. Eleanor Roosevelt tells me that if I feel like shit, it’s my fault. And I believe her.

How come someone who has such a positive outlook, who has so much love to give, who has confidence in everyone, not have confidence in herself? Not love herself? Everyday I tell myself, “Maybe if I could changeΒ thisΒ about myself, people would like me more, want to spend time with me, fall in love with me, make me feel like I was a part of the group.” The sickest part is that I believe it. I BELIEVE IT. With all my heart. I have confidence in this little theory and not in myself. Everyone has always told me that I’m funny, empathetic… Oh Kim can always make you laugh, but she’s always there to listen and be serious too. Really? Am I a great friend? Am I a great person? Well, why do I feel like I have no one. I have probably a handful of friends who would stop everything to listen to me, really listen to me and not say anything about themselves, but I feel way too guilty or selfish to ask them to. They are too far, too busy, or are in deeper shit than me. So, no. I cannot ask for help. It isn’t my nature. And I am too ashamed.

I am too ashamed that I cannot practice what I preach. I am too ashamed that I am not the person people perceive me to be. I have too much pride and want too much respect to ask the people that truly love me for some support. And so I go to others I love who I think will care but get nothing. So Eleanor, tell me why the people I love make me feel inferior. Tell me why I have confidence in these people. Is it my fault that they continue to treat me like I am only worth something when they need it? Yes it is my fault.

I am bruised. But I know what I need to do. I’m laughing to myself because I know all I have to do is sit and cry my eyes out and then listen to this Weepies song and find my answer. Kind of pathetic? I think it’s funny actually. I know what I need to do. To truly love myself. Do whatever it takes to love myself. Practice what I preach. For once. It’s a simple life, at the end of the day. And things will finally fall into place. Life will finally fall into place. What a simple answer. Because, when all is said and done, with love, comes healing.

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Tuesday, December 2

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